This post is very sensitive in nature and the topic is not to be taken lightly. All things posted are from my life and in order to grow I must share this.
As a young child I enjoyed playing and going on adventures with my brother and cousin. My favorite toys to play with were a hoola hoop and a skip it. I still remember the song from the commercials. Good times. So how did I end up here...stuck not living life.
I had someone I trusted to look after me, protect me and love me sexually abuse me at a young age. I never told anyone and I wanted to hide my secret forever. Only that never happened. My secret came out (very public I might add) and my fears were becoming true. I am not really sure why I never told someone before, but I have a few guesses. I didn't want to see this person in trouble, I was only about 7 or 8 and didn't understand what had happened to me, or was it because I knew no one would care or believe me.
I felt alone and confused. Why didn't they believe me. Instead they asked him if he touched me and what do you think his response was? "No! She's lying". Simple as that. I had suppressed the memory trying to pretend it never happened, but I was unable to shake the memory of the cold bathroom floor. I just wanted him to tell the truth and try to move on, but it angered me (to the core) that he lied and she believed him. Right there I think is when everything came crashing down. I felt betrayed and unloved. Not a feeling a young girl should have to feel. I wanted to die and get it over with because life didn't seem worth living.
I would try years later to talk to "her" and explain my heart, but it fell among deaf ears. She once told me "it happens...it happened to me...you just don't talk about". It was suppose to be a family secret that got swept under the rug so to speak. Buried. Never to be spoken of again.
After a deep intense counseling session (was suppose to be confession) I was told to forgive him and pray for him. Not the answer I wanted to hear, but I needed to listen and understand where he was coming from. By me holding onto this much pain for 22 years it was eating me up inside like a cancer. I let him have control of my life and years after the incident still hurt me. After sitting and discussing with the priest I felt so at peace. Tears ran down my face like a river and I felt the weight of this dark secret coming off my shoulders. But now I was stuck with having to pray for this person and forgive him.
I went years hating him and now I am to release that hate if I want to release myself from this prison I put myself in. Now coincidence or not, but when I got home after confession I checked my mail and to my surprise I received a letter from him. My heart went into panic mode and I was scared. It took me about a week to open the letter and only because I knew there was nothing of importance in the letter so why bother. But wait. What if there was? What if he apologized? I sat up one night going over ever senerio in my head until I couldn't take it. Just holding the letter gave me chills and thoughts of the cold bathroom floor amongst my backside. Well nothing of real importance was in the letter as expected and instead of even trying to apologize he points blame for his downfall in life. I was blown away and angry yet again.
Do I write him back and if so what do I say. (Remember what the priest said is what I keep reminding myself). After months I decided to write back and I wrote how he ruined my life and how much I loved him and he took advantage of me. I wrote other things that I wanted to get off my chest. But you know what that letter sits on my desk and I am okay with that. Somehow writing that letter and knowing that I would never get the answers I look for bought me some peace. I need to release myself and start the healing. This one incidence has stopped me enjoying life long enough.
I want to say thank you for reading this post and following me on my journey.
This has happened to so many women I know. My four sisters were molested by my father. We put him in jail many, many years later. He only received 6 months. My mother still believes he did not do it. The sister who reported it died by the age of 45. She never recovered from it, becoming an alcoholic as an adult. She left behind 3 children. I think the perpetrator's denial of the events can be devastating. You can expect nothing from them. No remorse, or an apology. They almost all deny. But a professional who works with sex offenders knows this. They know that children do not make these things up because they hate the offender so much that they want to put an innocent man in jail. Especially if it is a parent. Know that you are not alone, that you have the right to be angry at the offender's disgraceful behaviour, and that it was not your fault. I will always, always be here as support for you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jasmine! It is very sad to know that it happens to a lot of people (women and men a like) and a lot of them do "sweep it under the rug" and a lot of them do resort to other things in life to take the pain away. I know this is something I will NEVER truly get over, but I do hope to stop letting it keep me from living. I want to protect my girls and my son so much, but because I am scared of them getting hurt I make them afraid too and that's not right. ( more on that topic in a another post) I appreciate you sharing Jasmine.
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